Are You Raughing?

Humor

"The missionary position is no more than the male-superior position; that is, the man on top, the
woman on the bottom, and the peanut butter in between. . ." --Dr. Ruth Westheimer, "Sex For Dummies."

"Give me ambiguity or give me that other thing!" --Anonymous

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." --Captain James Tiberius Kirk

"I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar." --Anonymous

"We've got plenty of youth. How about a fountain of smart?" --Anonymous

"Today is dedicated to Uranus!" From "Hercules and the Amazon Women."

"And remember, when you touch yourself, the saints cry. Goodnight."-- Crow T. Robot

"The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting. "
- Gloria Leonard

"*Urp,* I shouldn't have eaten all those socks."
"*Urp,* I shouldn't have eaten all those socks." --Crow T. Robot (as Lassie, then as crusty 49'er), "The Painted Hills"

"Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell
him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it."
--Anonymous

"Putting a family member in jail is a good sign there is something seriously wrong in the home"
--Ricki Lake

"Go away, I'm all right."
--H.G. Wells' last words (no kiddin').

"When you're swimming in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek,
That's a moray!" --The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers

"Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've
been kicked in the head like this before." --Anonymous

"I'm not concieted. Conceit is a fault, and I have no faults." David Lee Roth, (semi)Musician

"A day without sunshine is like night." --Anonymous

"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young
boy -- I keep it in a jar on my desk." --Stephen King, 3/8/90

"There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane." If you buy it, listen to it,
and like it, should you take it back and demand a refund?" --Anonymous

"What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?" --Anonymous

"Pillage BEFORE you burn." --Unknown Viking

"To err is human, to moo, bovine."--Anonymous

"If you're traveling alone, beware of seat mates who, by way of starting conversation, make remarks
like, 'I just have to talk to someone-my teeth are spying on me' or 'Did you know that squirrels are the devil's oven mitts?'" --Miss Piggy

"A wise man that walks in the dark with a blindfold on. . . is not much of a wise man." --Anonymous

"The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse it." --Anonymous

"I gave my cat a bath the other day... He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur
would stick to my tongue, but other than that..." --Steve Martin

"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." --George Carlin

"I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil." --Stephen Wright

"I just bought some batteries...but they weren't included. So I had to by them again." --Stephen Wright.

"Yesterday I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. Then I bought some batteries, but they weren't included...so I had to buy them again."
--Stephen Wright

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."
--Stephen Wright

"Ever wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't grow in it?"
-- Stephen Wright

"A dog, a plan, a canal: Pagoda." --rec.humor.puzzles.palindromes.

"You're all a bunch of. . .of. . .cross-dressing anarchists!" Adam Hesse

"Remember, you're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." --Dean Martin

"Stress is what one gets by supressing the urge to throttle the life out of someone who richly deserves it." --Anonymous.

"I wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's one called 'brightness,' but it don't work!" --Gallagher

"Baldrick, you wouldn't recognize a cunning plan if it painted itself purple, danced
on a harpsichord and sang: 'Cunning plans are here again'." --Blackadder

"I'm not black like Barry White, no, I am white like Frank Black is." --"Jimmy Pop" Ali

"Text makes a satisfying `thud' when dropped on the floor." --Comment recieved on an MIT course evaluation

"I know that I myself am a far greater asshole than I was three years ago-- and it shows in my love life. I get more dates, more attention, more devotion, everything. And from really wonderful people, too." --Anonymous

"When I touch you...I think about myself!" --Crow T. Robot, MST3k "The Undead."

"You're dead for a real long time, you just can't prevent it. So, if money can't
buy happiness, I guess I'll have to rent it." --'Wierd Al' Yankovic, "This is the Life"

"There once was a man from the Styx
Who liked to write limericks
But, he failed at this sport
For he made them too short." --Anonymous

"Dieticians at the USDA have recently allowed schools to substitute yogurt for meat in their school lunches. This is in conjunction with other resolutions that allow schools to substitute rote memorization for learning, and mindless conformity for thinking." --Craig Kilborn, "The Daily Show"

"Parents shouldn't worry, though...the legislation that protects children from pornography on the Internet will in no way stop children from visiting hundreds of highly educational neo-Nazi sites..."
--Craig Kilborn, "The Daily Show"

"For those of you unfamiliar with "Country Music," it's the soundtrack for domestic abuse." --Craig Kilborn, "The Daily Show."

"The big winner was 14-year-old Leann Rimes, who won Best Song, Best Album, Best New Artist, and the coveted 'I'd Go To Jail For That One!' Award." --Craig Kilborn, "The Daily Show"

"Southern Baptists say they resent Disney's attempt to portray the
homosexual lifestyle as 'normal.' Said a spokesperson for the gay
community, 'normal?! It's FABULOUS!"
--Craig Kilborn, The Daily Show

"Why, why do little blue midgets hit me with fish?" --The Tick

"You can't fight evil with a macaroni duck!"
--Arthur, "The Tick"

"Don't knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run away. Death hates that." -Dr. Mike Stratford

"Blessed are the vegetarians...for they shall eat the earth." --Letter to the editors of "Lobo the Duck"

"I told you...the FBI always gets their man.'
'Mrs. Peacock was a man?" --"Wadsworth" and "Mr. Green," "Clue"

"Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft, strong, and disposable."
--Mrs. White, "Clue

"Madness takes its toll...please have exact change." --Anonymous

"The sky is blue and all the leaves are green
The sun's as hot as a baked potato
And you know exactly what I mean
When I say, 'It's a shpedoinkal day!"
--Alferd Packer, "Cannibal!: The Musical."

"Good...bad...I'm the guy with the gun."
--Ash, "Army of Darkness"

"I don't need to drink to have a good time. I need to drink to stop the
voices in my head."
--Dave Attell, "Dr. Katz: Professional Therapist"

"A hard man is good to find."
--Mae West

"Abstainer: A weak man who yields to the temptation of denying himself
a pleasure."
--Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

"As a beauty, I'm not a great star
Others are handsomer far
But my face, I don't mind it
Because I'm behind it
It's the folks out in front that I jar."
--A.H. Euwer

"Cartman, you're such a fat ass, that when you walk down the street
people scream "God damnit! That's a big fat ass!"
--Kyle, "South Park"

"If dolphins are so smart, how come they keep getting caught in those fish nets?"
--Eric Cartman, "South Park"

"I now present to you a creature genetically superior to mere human
beings...the 5-assed monkey!"
--"South Park"

"Not everyone can be a samurai. Not everyone can live by the power of the sword.
Not everyone can die with honor. I, for example...make KAZOOS!"
--Old Japanese Man in a Playstation commercial.

"Valtrex is not a cure for genital herpes."
--Television advertisement for an apparently worthless medication.

"There's a big difference between making instant coffee and bringing a
Rastafarian back from the dead."
--Ricardo Tubbs, "Miami Vice"

"As long as people are still having premartial sex with many anonymous
partners while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs
in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a pound!"
--Austin Powers, "Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery"

"You know, I have one simple request, and that is to have sharks with
freakin' laser beams attached to their heads. Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that
can't be done. Can you remind me what I pay you people for? Honestly, throw me a bone here!"
--Dr. Evil, "Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery"

"My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy
and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15 year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My
father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark. Sometimes, he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy - the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and
the insane lament. My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we'd make meat
helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really."
--Dr. Evil, "Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery"

Whether on the gallows high
Or where blood flows the reddest
The noblest place for man to die --
Is where he died the deadest.
--Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary

"The other day I was watching this two hour Hanson video...turned out it was "Children of the Corn."
--Patton Oswalt

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you are still a rat!"
--Lily Tomlin

"NOTICE: This building has had several incidents of chemical burns from
the toilet seats. We recommend that you use the paper liners to
minimize the possibility of injury." -- notice on a toilet stall door at Northern Arizona University

"You see this? N-Y-P-D! That means I will kNock Your Punk-ass Down!"
--Will Smith, "Men in Black"

"If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made of meat?"
--Anonymous.

"The McDonald's clown is evil, and what the hell is that purple thing?"
--Ryan Cunningham

"You have an angel's face, but naughty feet."
-Martin, "Flesh and Blood"

"Your soul better belong to Jesus...'cause your ass belongs to me."
--Megadeth

"On November 11, 1997, the ONION mistakenly reported that former
President Ronald Reagan had been fatally shot by police attempting to apprehend him in the act of
sodomizing a laboratory ape. In actuality, the former president merely lay in bed, drooling and
babbling like the senile old bat that he is. The ONION regrets the error."
--The Onion, December 10th issue

"It's 'A Krusty Kinda Kristmas!' brought to you by: I.L.G.-selling your body's
chemicals after you die; and by Li'l Sweetheart Cupcakes, a subsidiary of I.L.G."
--Tv announcer, "The Simpsons"

"Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak?"
--Anonymous

"Ten years from now I hope to have completed work on a device capable of
time travel. Then I will travel back 10 years, pick myself up, and head
out to the racetrack, where the two of me will make a fortune. If all
goes according to schedule, I should now sometime this week whether I
succeeded ten years from now. And if I did, so long, suckers!"
--Dave Foley

"Lets face it: I'm one sexy bitch"- David Foley

"If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?"
--Anonymous (courtesy Ryan Cunningham)

"Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?"
--Anonymous

"How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked
when someone threw a gun at him?"
--Anonymous

"Did ya' ever just wonder whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to
have an "s" in it?"
--Anonymous

"Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?"
--Anon

"Ever wonder why Tarzan doesn't have a beard?"
--Anonymous

"I know Tommy Chun is a strange name for a black guy, but I wasn't as
bad off growing up as my sister, Sum Yung Ho."
--Tommy Chun, "Make me laugh"

"Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive?"
--Anon. (courtesy Ryan and X)

"I can't take a piss for another half an hour."
--Justin Pressnall, 7:00 this morning, in what has to be the most
surreal conversation I've had in days.

"As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath."
--Anonymous

"I am at one with my duality."
--Anonymous

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most."
-Ozzy Osbourne

"Well, I'll tell you the truth. I ain't no real cowboy, but I'm a hell of a stud."
--Jon Voight to Dustin Hoffman in Midnight Cowboy, 1969

"He who laughs last hasn't passed out yet."
--Anonymous

"Joan of Arc heard voices too."
    --Anon.

"Darrel, 40,000 people die every day. Why aren't you one of them?"
--Bobby Cooper, "U Turn"

"This is grain, which any fool can eat, but for which the Lord intended a more divine means of
consumption. Let us give praise to our maker and glory to his bounty by learning about... BEER!"
    --Friar Tuck, "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves"

"It's been totally blown out of proportion."
    --Anna Nicole Smith's publicist, on an incident in which Smith
recently assaulted someone (or perhaps on Smith herself).

"Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two
weeks you'd have a diamond."
--Ferris Bueller, "Ferris Bueller's Day Of

"My dead son is gay! I love my dead gay son!"
--Chip's Father, "Heathers"

"If trees screamed, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?
Maybe, if they screamed all the time and for no good reason."
--Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

"Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots."
--Anonymous

"Whether or not a teenager decides to kill themselves is the biggest
decision of their life."
--Hippy teacher, "Heathers"

"Don't worry ma, I'm only bleedin'."
--Bob Dylan

"I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state & local laws."
--Anonymous

"I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at."
--Anonymous, comp Rachel Horwitz

"Y'know, there are a lot of Chinese/Mexican foods, like...ummm... Moo
Goo Gai Flan!"
-- Justin Pressnall/Zak Ficek

"Conversation with Zuzu Petals was like masturbating with a cheese
grater: slightly amusing, but mostly painful."
--Ford Fairlane, "The Adventures of Ford Fairlane

"I like work, it fascinates me. I can sit and stare at it for hours.
I love to keep it by me; the idea of getting rid of it nearly breaks my heart"
--Jerome K. Jerome

"I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all."
--"Unhelpful Daily Affirmations," comp. Rachel Horwitz.

"I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious,
self-righteous people around me. "
--Anon., comp Rachel Horwitz

Gomez: He has my father's eyes.
Morticia: Gomez, take those out of his mouth!
--Addams Family Values

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the
guts to bite people themselves."
--August Strindberg

"I wonder if Adam ever said to Eve, 'Watch it, there are plenty more ribs where you came from!'"
-Anon.

"So many a--holes, so few bullets."
--Ford Fairlane, "The Adventures of Ford Fairlane

"A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible
that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 AM and got into Chicago at
8:33 AM. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois,
but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told
her the plane went very fast and she bought that!"
--One of our nation's hard-working travel agents.

"If the world is getting smaller, why do postal rates keep going up?"
--Bruce Kafaroff

"You know, I think my right hand really hurts. Actually, I know my
right hand really hurts, because it really hurts!"
--Charlie Butterman

"Woah! Wolfman's got nards!"
--Monster Squad

"You.... will die!'
'No! *YOU* will die!"
A masterful bit of dialogue from "Mortal Kombat"

"I am not the person with whom to fuck!"
-- "Alien Resurrection."

"Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with
imaginary fears."
--Anonymous, comp Rachel Horwitz

"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it"
Franklin P. Jones

"It means you play wiv yourself too much. You've got your head up your
own arsehole. Wanker: noun. One who wanks."
--Cassidy the vampire, "Cassidy: Blood and Whiskey"

"Damn the lights -- watch the cars. The lights ain't never killed nobody."
--Moms Mable, with advice on crossing the street.

"Anybody who goes to see a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."
--Sam Goldwyn

"I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of
suspicion and paranoia. "
--Anonymous

"You can't fart-charge a beach ball!"
--Zak Ficek (trust me, context wouldn't help)

"Do you have a special something you take to bed with you? Does it make
you feel good if you hold your special something?" -Mr. Rogers

"For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they will like." --Abraham Lincoln

"There's nothing on my mind that couldn't be expressed by a long insane outburst of hysterical rage" -Ashleigh Brilliant